To Be Determined...

I wonder what would happen if I didn't procrastinate like I do. Would I have hand-made quilts on each of the beds in my house, or get the Christmas lights and decorations up while it still mattered? Maybe. Or maybe I'd have a beautifully organized house that really could fit eight people comfortably. I bet I could figure out a way to balance my budget, cook healthy meals each night, and still have time for writing. And then I'd make room for getting involved with my community, volunteering at the schools, participating in fund drives, and letting my voice be heard by contacting my local leaders and representatives...

Just imagine what could come of my life if I didn't put off all those great things. Why, I'd get that education every one's always talking about, the kind that comes with a fancy-printout on high quality paper that says you know more than certain paper-less folks. Why, then I could get a job where people actually want to hear what I have to say, where I collect monetary reimbursement for the time I've put in. My name would be known, because I'd be putting it out there for all to see. Yes, I could be something.

But then I have to wonder what's holding me back. Kids? Money? Motivation? Certainly, being Mom comes first, and always will. Back when time moved slower and I had to choose where my life went, I chose being Mother over college. I'm not sorry. As for money, well there's never any money, but it's never stopped me. There are definitely ways of working around the greenback dilemma, as proven by the historical accounts of hundreds of underdogs. America sure loves the underdog. And then there's motivation...

Ah, yes. What makes me tick? What motivates me? Slap me into the shrink's chair and come back in a few months, because some days I haven't a clue. But I'm willing to bet that if I really wanted a clean house, I'd have one. If I really want stroganoff or chicken salad for dinner, I make it. In all fairness, I have to say that even though I would like to be more involved in my community, I have other commitments that take precedence. What spare time is left after basic cooking, cleaning, diaper changing, busing, shopping, and the loving and tending of my brood is rather precious. As much as I'd like to do it all and be that Super Mom, one: I know it's impossible, so why burn myself into dross trying to prove otherwise? and two: my heart pulls me toward (have you guessed?) writing.

Over the years, my hobbies have hopped between reading, sewing, cross-stitching, exercising, gardening, painting, home remodeling and decorating, and other odd schemes of self-improvement. Some of those projects are tucked away, half done and waiting for that spark of interest to reignite. Perhaps writing is a phase I shall pass through gracefully and move on to better things, but I doubt it. However, if I could see the future, I'd be rich already. Deep in my bones, I feel there's something more challenging about writing than in anything else. Not that I ever conquered gardening, as the state of my yard can attest, but the difficulty of arranging ideas and feelings into words in such a way that others can feel and hear and see what I do, is just so tremendous and thrilling to me that I believe I shall love it forever. It is more than simply telling a story, or making a point, more than falling in love or painting a picture. It is all of this and more, a journey of mind and spirit, an energy that passes from my mind to another through the medium of typed characters arranged on a page. It is Magic.

So, as to my potential and all that crap about greatness, if I can't do it between 8 and 11 with a pen, paper, or computer word program, it will just have to wait. Because I'm busy.