MISSION (IM)POSSIBLE

Meet the Putman children: the two girls (ages 15 and 9) are fairly self-motivated and will do almost anything you ask. The four boys, a rowdy and quarrelsome lot ranging in age from 14-2, will do almost nothing without the threat of death hanging over them, and even then it's a toss-up.

Your mission, should you choose to accept, is to transport all six children, clean and comely, across the county (a 25-30 minute drive) to church services without killing anyone and maintaining a spirit of love.

Your team: God will be with you, other than that, you're on your own, sucker.

The day begins at dawn. Grab a shower before the hot water runs out. It is an unwritten rule that any preparations supposed to be done on Saturday, will still need doing on Sunday morning. Dress in casual clothing until after meals, otherwise they will be spoiled. Feed the little ones (already up and running in circles) and try to remember that Sunday is the perfect time for family togetherness and big breakfasts, waffles, pancakes, eggs and sausages. You can watch them eat it while sucking down a diet shake.

After breakfast, corner the first stray child you find and order them to bathe. Wash dishes before the teetering pile of syrupy, eggy plates and cups ends up across the floor. Grab the next wandering child and order them to bathe. Hunt down the baby and change his diaper, it's probably leaking down his legs by now, and he'll still insist it doesn't need changing. When you've finished wrestling with the obstinate one, stripped him down and cleaned him off, carry him kicking and screaming up the stairs to take a bath (it will be empty because nobody has actually obeyed your order. Yet.)

The bathroom will be a disgusting mess. Exercise all your powers of restraint and do NOT clean it. The only exception to this rule is if the air is completely unbreathable, only then may a preliminary cleaning be done. Baby will cry and complain until it is time to get out. By then, he will be happy and splashing and never want to leave. If, during the course of littlest child's bath, a dirty six-year-old happens by, accost him at once. Repeat washing.

Once the actual washing is finished, settle down with a good book and wait for the water to turn cold. However, if time is running short, more wrestling will be required. Take care, they're slippery, have towels handy. They will shiver and complain for 1.3 minutes before throwing off the towels and running naked through the house. Catch them if you can.

Fast forward... the four youngest are washed and dressed and ready to go. Time to wake the teens. Be sure to do this at least one (1) hour prior to departure time as it will take that long for them to ready themselves. Prepare snacks, toys, blankets, and other necessary church items. Locate matching shoes for each set of feet. Don't forget to dress yourself, shaving is not required (that's why God gave us long skirts) and make-up is only necessary if you don't want everyone at church inquiring after your state of mind.

Fifteen minutes before actual departure time, tell everyone it is time to leave. It will take at least fifteen minutes for them all to 1) believe you really mean it, 2) find the coats and shoes you've laid out for them, and 3) shove as much contraband into their mouths and pockets as possible before that long, LONG drive. Outside, since you've forgotten to warm up the car, you will either freeze for an additional ten minutes or discover that a window was left open all night while a thunderstorm rolled through (or both). The ultra-hated demon dog, who happens to fear thunderstorms above all else, will have leapt in through the open window to sleep in the comfort and security of your (now wet and doggy-smelling) car. Try not to kill the dog.

Strap all little people into appropriate, cumbersome seats, sandwiched between towels and blankets. You're almost there. Two minutes down the road, somebody is touching so-and-so. "Please stop touching your brother/sister." Repeat every two minutes. Halfway there, little Houdini has escaped his car-seat; the entire back seat is in an uproar; at least three of the six are fighting over the one Game-boy DS while poking/prodding/teasing whoever is seated next to them, and the oldest teen is fiddling with the volume control on the radio while simultaneously listening to whatever is playing on her i-pod.

Just remember that these tribulations shall be but a moment, and with God, all things are possible. Grit your teeth and keep driving.