MAP Detective Agency

Today, I woke early. Two or three times, actually. By the time I got out of bed, grouchiness had already taken hold. I could write out all the things on my mental to-do list, but there wouldn't be a whole lot of point to that. Killing trees and wasting money, resources--stuffing the landfill with a lot of forgotten notations--I'll let the rest of you do it.

It's one of those days where I don't bother to get dressed before putting on my shoes and coat to drive #2 to school. One of those days where I'm too angry to yell and, instead, inflict my LOOK O' DEATH on all who oppose me. Beware. It's one of those days when Little Boy Conflict sits in his room, naked, and tells me, "Mom, I don't think I can go to school today because I don't have any underwear or pants to put on."

"How convenient for you," I reply, and start in on folding the four loads of laundry piled up on my sofa that have been sitting there for the better part of a week. And yes, I have to go through all four loads before locating a single pair of Conflict's underwear. No pants, though.

By this time, the school bus is trundling down the street and I must push Conflict's whining self down the stairs to slip on his shoes and coat and backpack, out the door without breakfast, and tell him to have a lovely day despite his complaints about a hurt leg and hating school and hating me and hating, hating, hating... whatever happens to be handy.

Yeah. I love you, too, kid.

Obviously, the laundry needs doing, but I know--even when it's done--that certain questions will remain unanswered, and this brings me to the point of this blog. For one day only, I am going to open the MAP Detective Agency--here to answer all those petty questions that no right-minded detective would dare to tackle. That's right, and because this is a limited time offer, I will do this service free of charge. Just remember: one day only! Why? Because I have more important things to do that think about these ridiculous things.

Question #1: Where did the twelve pairs of underwear disappear to?

--Having a sense of deja-vu, here, and it's telling me that I don't want to know. We'll let this case slide and stick to washing the side of the mountain.

Question #2: How is it possible to fit three cubic feet of food into a one cubic foot stomach?

--Those who don't understand the question must not be familiar with the metamorphic stage of the pubescent male. During the months of transformation from short and pudgy to tall and gangly, the pubescent male's bones hollow out to make room for the tremendous amounts of food necessary to fuel said growth. So you see, the food you watch disappearing down the Bean Sprout's neck is not actually going into the stomach, but straight on through it and into the bones... and since the specimen does not speak much during the transition time, eating is the only exercise their mouths will get, so it is best not to complain. Too much.

Question #3: Why do I get depressed on cloudy, blah days?

--The explanation is simple. First, that is a backward statement. You are not unhappy about the weather, the weather is merely reflecting your mood. You are part of an alien race that controls the atmospheric elements according to the whims of your mental state. When you cry, the world cries with you. Ever see Men In Black 2? Yeah. That. Eat more chocolate and be happy, you're bringing all the rest of us down.

Question #4: Why is my man-child so fixated with violence? ie: Lego people killing each other and running around the house saying 'heeeyaaa!'

--Do you really need to ask? It's a guy thing. Like men trying to fix stuff when they don't know how; cooking outdoors in twenty-degree weather, or one-hundred and twenty degree weather; hunting and the like. There is a piece of the male brain that constantly tells them they must do these things in order to assert thier man-ness. Like dogs peeing on trees. They have to. Experts believe it stems from a lack of positive interaction with their fathers when pushing through the pubescent state, but I have reason to believe that the cause stems from a much simpler thing. Men don't do enough housework.

Think about it. If they did more housework, would they have the energy to waste on all those other things? Would the child that just spent three hours cleaning the living room carelessly jump around and mess it up? I think not. The solution to the man-child's violence is this: give him more chores.

Question #5: What is the point of long vacations?

--There is none. Especially where children are concerned. Vacations should be short and frequent if they are to be enjoyed. If you wait too long to take a vacation, no matter what you do will not be enough to 'fix' the awful person you've become from not taking a vacation for so long. Moreover, too much time with the family you never spend time with will equate to a perfect hell no matter where you go. So, if you're due for vacation, start with a day trip someplace close and build up to that week-long campout if you truly want to enjoy it.

That's all the time I have for nonsense today. I leave you with the lastest news on books read.

Jessica's Guide to Dating on the Dark Side by Beth Fantasky --
I know, I've read it before. But I liked it so well that I bought my own copy and read it again. I look forward to reading more from this author.

My Angelica by Carol Lynch Williams --
funny and cute

Nothing of Significance

I have two books to add to my list for the year, though I'm not sure how best to count them as I only read about one hundred pages from each. What can I say? They just didn't grab me, and after a hundred pages, I think I gave them a fair shot, right?

Anyway, here they are:

Wish by Alexandra Bullen

Hidden Voices by Pat Lowery Collins

On another front, I've been editing my heart out lately, which is a good thing since I had put it off for so long. My first story is almost as ship-shape and beautiful as I thought it was when I first wrote it. Laugh on that for a while.

In the meantime, it's snowing outside. Again. All I can really say to that is, I am very thankful for electricity and it is to this mode of modern living that I am happily addicted. (No pity, please) The power went out in our house for a few hours at the beginning of the first, big snowstorm and all I could think was "Why didn't I take a shower last night when I still had a chance?" --However, regrets easily erased are good for reminding us of what we have.

I hope all of my friends are safe out there... thinking of you.