This week's episode:
Gourmet Cooking for the Destitute
Welcome all you hungry adventurers. We're going to have a great show. Today's menu has been determined by the ingredients already available in the house and by whatever culinary whims have possessed the chef. Nutritional values have been taken into account as well as the caloric needs of each household member to produce a perfectly tailored balance of protein, carbs and fat that will keep those energy levels exactly where they need to be.
Breakfast: oatmeal, toast and juice
Lunch: garden salad, homemade tomato soup
Snack: carrot sticks & dip, cheddar slices & whole wheat crackers
Dinner: cheesy chicken enchilada, beans and rice
Dessert: fresh baked cookies
Keep in mind that every menu must be flexible, allowing for last minute changes and/or substitutions in case of unforeseeable disasters. But first things first-- we must ready our equipment. This adventure will require the largest pot and pan available in your kitchen, matching lids, a two-quart pitcher, several long-handled spoons, cutting board, knives (preferably sharp), first aid kit and easy access to a fire extinguisher (just in case), an empty sink, plenty of dish washing detergent, at least two square feet of cleared counter space, enough plates, bowls, cups and other eating utensils to satisfy your crowd, a large rectangular baking dish, aprons (optional), towels and washcloths, and an operable kitchen.
Be sure that all your appliances are in good repair, ie. reasonably clean with no exposed wires, jagged edges, or broken hinges. Also, for obvious health reasons make sure that all dishes and utensils are clean before use. We wouldn't want the escaped hamster's leavings to spoil any appetites, would we?
Our next step before beginning is to choose a helper and make assignments for crowd control. We all know what happens when there are too many cooks in the kitchen. After the lottery, or straws, or whatever method decides your helper, wash hands and secure aprons.
Every day should begin with a healthy breakfast, and ours is easy. Have your helper retrieve a tube of frozen juice from the freezer. Remove the lid and place in microwave for one minute. Then, assist your helper in figuring out how much oatmeal and salted water is needed to feed everyone. Mix and cook according to directions on package. Empty thawed O.J. into pitcher and add water. Mix. Depending on the age of your helper, they will either want to do everything with reckless abandon, or need to be directed in every move under heavy threat (and do it as sloppily as the enthused) so keep towels handy. If old enough, have your helper make toast while you stir oatmeal. Wow... it's a good thing we used the big pot... it appears to be growing.
Hmm... according to the directions, it cooks in ten minutes. But it seems a bit on the stiff side, so we'll add a tad more water. A little more. More... there, that's better. I wonder if it needs more salt? Anyway, we have five minutes--plenty of time to cut up those carrot sticks for later.
All right, our carrot sticks are ready, but what is that smell? Gah! A great gooey blob is crawling out of the pot! Quick, stab it with a spoon and turn off the stove. Never fear, it did not burn and appears to be edible, though extremely elastic. After cutting out equal portions for each of our guinea pigs... ahhhh, I mean children (none for me thanks, I'm on a new, low slime diet) there appears to be enough left over to last the rest of the week. No matter, I believe oatmeal keeps well in the refrigerator.
With breakfast laid out, we can retrieve chicken from the freezer to thaw for dinner and then get started on the soup--an easy recipe using onions, tomato paste, and milk. Hey, where'd the kids go? That was fast. All the toast is gone, juice too, but... it seems they were too much in a hurry to finish their oatmeal. Not hungry? So they say. No matter. This is where the flexible menu comes into play. Just cross off soup and replace with oatmeal.
Lunch is over. The salad was a huge success, though our helper has resigned. Strangely, the oatmeal supply does not seem to have diminished even though I've left some on the floor for the dog. Hmmm... haven't seen that dog since. It would seem the menu needs to be as flexible as the oatmeal, else we will never again see the bottom of that pot, or the dog.
After trying to push oatmeal off as a dip for carrots and a spread for crackers, the troops are ready to mutiny. The chicken is already cut and the bread is mysteriously vanishing out of the bag. We are running out of time. In the name of all that is nutritious, the oatmeal must be eaten! But remember, the successful miser is a flexible miser! Time to pull out the big guns: brown sugar and butter. With a little flour and some eggs, we can still salvage the situation.
When the diners march in with grumbling bellies and wrinkled noses, suspicion all over their faces, we happily announce that if they eat their chicken and rice, they can have cookies. {ahem... oatmeal cookies, that is}
I win.
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