The Factory

Welcome to Putman House

Makers of beautiful babies since 1994

While we specialize in little boys, we have also been known to make an occasional girl. All children come with a limited warranty and are guaranteed to cost more than you will ever make. Presently, we are out of every color of eyes except blue-grey. Hair colors will vary according to age, but will eventually darken/lighten to a solid brown. Infants come with heads comparable to watermelons in only two sizes: medium and large. All babies over 9 1/2 lbs. will be refused. There is a nine month waiting list on all deliveries and an extra 2-3 weeks baking time for lazy and stubborn children. Please note: all deliveries are final. There are no exchanges or refunds.

We pride ourselves in producing children whose IQ levels exceed that of their parents, to constantly confound and amaze their teachers and keep everyone on their toes. Our inquisitive little angels will defy every lock, reach every cookie, and never stop asking for more, become a joy to your life while simultaneously making you feel like a crap parent at least once a week. They will expertly find your last nerve and constantly test its working condition, run you ragged with necessary activities and appointments, and bore you to tears with mindless games and videos. You will laugh, cry, and wish for the ease of blue-collar work. Undoubtedly, you will be loved, hated, and abused. You will be spit on, drooled on, puked on, bit, pinched, hit, peed and pooped on. Do not despair, these things are normal and do not constitute defects.

Predictable flaws: One in six of our children will require glasses, but all will need braces. Be sure to take your child to the dentist regularly for about one half of them will inherit weak teeth and need extensive dental work. They are generally healthy, but check your insurance. Whatever is not covered is sure to be what ails them. In homes with multiple angels, they will either get sick one at a time, or all together (whichever is least convenient to you). Behavioral problems will require a professional. Always know where the gas and water shut-off valves are located and keep fire extinguishers in handy locations on EVERY level of your home. Should a situation arise for which you are unprepared to handle alone, have local emergency numbers programmed into your phone and get to know God. (Knee pads are highly recommended.)

Special note: Despite the guaranteed brilliance of all our children, we cannot promise that he/she won't become another 'gifted under-achiever'. --it's in the genes.

We're sorry, due to failing economic times, and for reasons of sanity,

Putman House baby factory is

CLOSED.